Big birthday

I will turn 65 on Saturday.

To me it feels like reaching the top of a hill and afterwards it’s all down, down, down to the end. Passing the mid-point of one’s 60’s there is nowhere else to go! It has taken physical effort to get to this watershed as it is – aches and pains seem to appear in all sorts of new places regularly at this age. Exercise usually ends up in injury and failure – lack of enthusiasm doesn’t help. Weight is going back on where it had been lost but I don’t want to address the causes: food and wine are our favourite hobby! Hence the birthday party is tea and cake in the garden, with aperos and our favourite French fizz from Saumur to follow. I’m expecting to be taken out for a delicious surprise meal somewhere on Friday and Bistrot Pierre’s free birthday bottle of Veuve Devienne with dinner is already booked for Tuesday!

I’m having a birthday weekend, a birthday week – to be honest I usually rejoice in a birthday month! We all love feeling special and being celebrated, surrounded by love and full of gratitude for the fulness of years and experiences of life so far, planning special events, doing what we love. 16th July is my special day and I make the most of it. But this year I’m not as excited as usual – it feels too old – I feel old.

OK – don’t start: I know. Friends tell me it’s not old, that I still have loads of life left in me. Older friends tell me I don’t know the meaning of ‘old’ yet. Apparently 60 is the new 40 – and we all know that life begins then… Gosh, next year I’ll get my state pension: I’ll have my own money for the first time since I stopped going out to work! And I don’t even have to live on it because Martin is still enjoying being employed. I can start putting ‘retired’ on forms instead of housewife/homemaker, I suppose – and retirement is meant to be the sweet time of fulfilment and relaxation. That’s if you can afford to travel and have fun – and we still can at the moment.

So what’s wrong? It’s just a number isn’t it?

To be honest, I’m tired and a bit lost. What am I doing with my life? Supporting my enthusiastic partner as I have for the past 40 years – ruby anniversary in September. He will continue working for years yet, I am sure. He has so much knowledge and wisdom in that big brain of his, can see things others can’t see, can put things together: he holds keys in blood cancer research that need to be used. It’s a well-lived life, making progress for humankind in new treatments for lymphoma and leukaemia, saving lives – it’s certainly got job satisfaction. And I am the back-up team without whom this wouldn’t happen.

But there must be more. In a season where so much has been stripped away, where loss and grief have dominated the past 12 years and the sense of being a pruned-back-to-a-stump tree is as strong as ever, where can I find life and hope? Where are the new shoots in my heart? Hopelessness and apathy are paralysing. What do I want to do, enjoy doing? What is this season about?

The thing is, I do know the answers. I just have to keep reminding myself when I go off-track. I suppose that’s what this writing is about – keeping track of the journey, how did I get here and where am I going? Obviously a birthday is the perfect time to evaluate, perhaps we all do it. Or perhaps we ignore the signposts, which is easier. I am too unhappy to do that, I have to get back to purpose and contentment – before it’s too late! Of course, we all blame the pandemic for putting us out of sorts, which is probably fair – the percentage of the population with mental health issues has risen hugely. These years have been so disorientating that time has lost it’s meaning and we can’t place things in context as we used to. There are lots of things that have changed and continue to change and the world is a threatening place. All the more reason to seek a stable heart.

‘This is what the Lord says, “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls”‘

Jeremiah 6:16