You may have noticed it’s Lent. People give things up for it. I don’t because trying to just sets me up for failure, like making New Year resolutions. This only shows that I’m not good at discipline and self-denial, especially when that means refusing some sort of comfort. It’s been a horrible, long, dreary winter and we’re all weary and fed-up – it’s not the best time to add another layer of asceticism. Also, Jesus was “driven by the Spirit into the wilderness” (Luke 4:1) and those times of inner conviction don’t always coincide with the church calendar!
Actually I did start a healthy regime on the weekend before Ash Wednesday when we returned from holiday. I’ve been trying to have long periods of fasting overnight, eat lots of vegetables and no bread and not drink alcohol every day – such a well-established habit now, but so bad for one’s health: it’s been my ‘drug of choice’ since Sam was diagnosed, but so easily gets way out of control. So yes, I’ve been trying to be sensible and health conscious, have even started exercising a bit again – very painful after about a year of letting it all go. I’m very proud that I’ve managed to go swimming 3 times. This weekend we invited friends over – ah good, time for a break 😉 Since then, having lost 2kg I’ve put 1kg back on. I know HIIT is really the answer, but where am I going to get the energy for that?! Take me back to Lanzarote!
Dieting isn’t the same as spiritual discipline – it’s wrong to conflate them. In the past I’ve had long periods of giving up food and alcohol, when the Spirit clearly led and helped me. I suppose it helps if one really is in a desert and can’t access all the good things… After a year of not being 100% (see New Year post) I’m still bumping along the bottom physically and mentally and a week after returning from a much-needed winter break full of determination and life I got a chest cough that won’t shift. Tiredness and the grey weather, the putting off of Spring as an Arctic blast hits us this week, all combine to discourage and – yes, confuse me. What am I trying to do and why?!
Thankfully, God’s clear word sometimes cuts through all that stuff like a beam of light through clouds, getting right to the heart of the matter – which is, of course, what God is most interested in. It happened last Sunday, the first of Lent, during the sermon – bang, a bullet between the eyes 😉
Spirit of the desert
You drove Jesus to the edge of the world to find his truth and calling.
Scour our hearts and awaken our hunger
that, freed from empty clinging, we might find ourselves in You
through Jesus Christ, the Lord of the wilds
Amen
written by Steven Shakespeare
What a prayer! Who wrote that? It’s a serious thing to pray, for sure. And I knew immediately what the issue really was, what embodied my empty clinging… As soon as the talk finished, I got out my phone and deleted my favourite game, This had taken up hours and hours of my time over the past months, it was always my go-to in quiet moments or when I needed to sit down, and I knew it would never, ever reach a conclusion – just keep drawing me in and on and distracting from real life, tempting me to spend money… It’s deleted – I can’t go back, it wasn’t saved. No more distraction, no more comfort in the wrong place – and I really loved it and often it actually made me feel happy! Argh. But I had to.
For many months I’d told myself it was OK: I’m allowed to be a child and play. I knew Martin disapproved so I’d hide it from him. But once that word came and I saw the issue something had to give or I would have been deliberately harming myself. Which is of course the issue! God isn’t mean – I really do know that! Father/Mother wants the best for us and knows what that is better than we do: that must be my comfort now. I must cling to the Source who can satisfy! It’s a call to dismantle the false structures we build around ourselves to make us feel better or seem important. Jesus’ temptations were all about that too: satisfy your appetites, take a short cut, show off how great you are. Who wouldn’t want to turn stones into bread, or call a legion of angels to rescue him from a bloody death? Jesus, that’s who. He modelled humility, obedience to and dependence on his Father. He was true of heart – and the motives of the heart are what count.
So I’m trying. I admit I have flirted with some other games on boring afternoons – not as compelling but colourful and mindless. I’m going to have to delete them all. There is a better place to rest and there are better things to focus on. It’s about building new habits, about reclaiming choice and listening to the inner prompts of the heart – even if it feels exposed and uncertain for a while. It’s actually about freedom from things that captivate us. I’m reminded that my life is actually about love, gratitude and creativity – and that has brought me back to blogging. It’s good to take something up for Lent too, isn’t it – and then continue with it afterwards as part of a strengthened life? Like a tree with the skeleton exposed by winter I feel scoured, cleaned, seen – and ready to bring forth some new shoots.
Spirit of the desert You drove Jesus to the edge of the world to find his truth and calling. Scour our hearts and awaken our hunger that, freed from empty clinging, we might find ourselves in You through Jesus Christ, the Lord of the wilds Amen
Heart Space 