We didn’t get the first wave of snow in the recent ‘Arctic blast’. Leicester often misses both the northern and southern weather systems. It wasn’t until today, Friday, that the city awoke to a decent covering and that accompanying eerie white light suffusing the house. The electrician’s business behind our upstairs kitchen (house used to be two flats) has solar panels on the roof, as befits an environmentally-aware energy company, and while making my morning tea, I found this view quite amusing – and somewhat metaphorical. Rather like me those panels aren’t going to be producing any energy for a while!
As I mentioned last time, I’ve had a persistent cough for about a fortnight so earlier this week managed to arrange to see a doctor, who prescribed antibiotics for a probable bacterial bronchitis. I’d been keeping on with life, even cycling through sleet to get to the surgery for the appointment, but as soon as I started taking the amoxicillin, although my cough has almost gone, I’ve started feeling wiped out and yesterday simply stayed in bed all day. Which is boring, but at least the cats crawl under the duvet with me and there is always the phone to keep checking for diversions. Oh no, once I’ve checked all the messages and news, I can’t avoid the pull of repetitive mindless puzzles again… but when you feel ill it’s hard to want to do anything even slightly constructive. I started reading a book but got too tired and in the evening we tried a television comedy on iPlayer, but it was all just filling time and didn’t bring any joy. Sleeping for most of the afternoon was the best bit.
So I’m a snow-covered solar panel, unable to function, prevented from catching the rays, confined to keeping under-cover. All our meetings and appointments have been cancelled anyway today and I’m not sure I feel well enough to do much at all. The trouble is, when you don’t know what to do with yourself – what DO you do?!
Obviously stay in bed – avoid the phone… Oh wait, I need to eat! Another cup of tea, where are the paracetamol? I’m glad my ‘other half’ has finally left the building as it’s a lot more peaceful. Perhaps I should just load the dishwasher and sort out a meal for tonight? That’s not resting – but it helps me feel more restful when everything is organised, avoiding hassle later.
But those little jobs are not what life consists of and so often these days I don’t know what mine is about. This isn’t the time to beat myself up for not being creative or productive or whatever, but it is a constant anxiety and feeling apathetic about everything just accentuates that even more. I sit and look at the wall – all those paintings and photos and memories, like another life lived by another person!
What a misery! Look, the sun has come out. The snow is melting and the panels can see again, begin to make solar energy again. Oh I do hope I feel better soon, that life and energy return – it’s rubbish being not ill enough not to care and not well enough to function normally… But it’s OK. Patience! Things won’t always be like this. Be still and know…
And at least I have written a blog post! Yay!
Heart Space 