Resistance

I’m half way through my art course – it’s the start of week 7 of 12. However, that doesn’t tell the whole story, because at the very beginning of week 3 we went away on holiday – to Sicily again. It was much-needed and very lovely, but on return I was far behind with the assignments and course videos and way out of sync with the others for the live online Q&A’s. Although I had – surprisingly! – really missed painting I felt quite overwhelmed, not to mention the mountain of laundry and life in general to attend to. So I put it off for a bit longer…

Once I had some space again, I was advised to catch up as quickly as possible in order to get back in sync with the group, so worked through the assignments for weeks 3 & 4 in a couple of days – painting a feeling about something (expression) and finding elements from other artists’ work I love to include in my own paintings, (inspiration). Both of these things will need revisiting many more times! Then on to week 5 about contrast and harmony: what a huge subject and one the rest of the course will break down in much more detail.

The problem is, I wasn’t really enjoying it. At the start I loved the purpose it gave me, I felt I’d finally found a way to develop my own creative voice and was beginning to glimpse freedom, permission even, to focus on that. Unfortunately, the frustration I hit straight away and wrote about last time! has been repeated every time I’ve completed an assignment and the mantra not to worry about making pictures or the results looking nice hasn’t aways helped my disappointment. Perhaps I can’t actually paint at all!?! On top of that I’ve felt under pressure trying to rush through the modules to catch up. It’s all been a bit much…

This is my ‘diary painting’. We’re meant to add things to it every week, even paint over it and start again. It expresses my feelings quite well!

Anyway, I’ve had a bad week. I’ve felt low, not wanting to get up in the morning, completely lost my motivation. I’ve felt angry and rebellious, wasting time on phone games again, disappearing into that limbo state instead of facing up to life. I’ve had no energy and stopped making good choices. Today I was tearful and sad at church, finding it hard to engage with the service or anyone else. If this is how I feel at the start of November how am I going to be by the end when it’s the 9th anniversary of our son’s death?! I feel barren and lost and confused by life, trying to work out how to make things better.

BUT. This afternoon I turned on one more video from the course and – wow! – it’s as if the light has gone on and shown up the underlying problem. It was an interview with the author Steve Pressfield who has written a number of books about what happens when we try to pursue any type of creative calling – I even have one of them I’ve never read called The War of Art! It’s something he calls Resistance and it’s that negative feeling that rises up to stop us doing what we should be doing, what we know we want to do and is good for us. It has to be the reason I’ve been feeling so dreadful! I have been avoiding actually doing ‘my work’. I’ve been doing everything except the things I know are good for me – exercise, routine, going outside. Most of all, I need to paint – me, from-the-heart paint!

Hope is restored – there is a way through this. I still have a heavy heart, but at least I can make some good choices – if I can overcome that resistance. It’s not easy, is it? Anytime we decide to do something creative, self-improving, new, this feeling comes to try and stop us. “The good I would do I find myself not doing” as St. Paul writes. It’s hard to do ‘the work’ whatever it is for each one of us – but the cost of not doing it is so much more – misery, pointlessness, ennui, depression. This is why I’m blogging – the same resistance stops me writing when I know it is a big part of my creative expression. Writing clears my mind, makes the way plain, helps me make decisions, shares the journey with whoever wants to read my ‘diary’. My story is all I have to give and my voice is unique – like yours!

Back to the drawing board. Literally! This morning I finished this one – not a course assignment, just something I’ve been building up in layers. I can’t do much more with it – it’s done, whether anyone likes it or not! Can you see why I’ve called it ‘Monkeys’? 😉

I feel much better already.