Spring forward

I’ve been putting this off, every day finding mundane tasks and distractions to take up the time while the internal pressure builds. Eventually it gets harder not to write than to write – especially when I keep coming back to the question, “What’s the point of my life now?” Through the fog of depression and apathy I begin to glimpse an answer – and it involves writing! Making yet another new start, overcoming the blockage, choosing a regular habit, doing the work – just being “present to the page” – is as hard as it has ever been. Self-doubt and laziness keep me in hiding.

But – ‘resistance is futile’ (congratulations if you recognise the quote). Spring is breaking out all around and after coming up to 6 months of mental and physical illness that have left me feeling empty and lost there is a call to lift my face to the sun, to perceive the encouragement of a new season at the door and find a response. A decade ago I had 2 hands full of purpose, connections, energy, motivation: those days are like looking down the wrong end of a telescope at another life. None of us can go back to how things used to be – that door is firmly closed, forbidden. If we try to repeat what was comfortable, resurrect history, we are doomed. There is a new path to forge in this new and frightening world, new ways to find.

Over these past years I have been stripped back. There are just a few small items I know I can hold in my palm – things I know I am supposed to be doing because I have the grace for them. I give thanks for the sense of solid ground they give. Apart from that there is a big space waiting to be filled with what I’ve been missing – a sense of purpose for this part of my life.

As I say, I believe writing is a big part of it. So even though it’s vulnerable and I’m feeling my way with what I’m trying to share, I’ve got to do it. Maybe like an online diary, maybe an unfolding of events and ideas, maybe things I know from years ago. It’s what I originally set up this blog for, space for my heart and sharing my treasure. We all have it – it’s the God-given glory of our testimony, shining with grace and truth. Do I have the confidence to open my life to the light once again?

Let’s see.